9 months ago I was super busy fixing our van. We were days from moving into it. And as most van dwellers I was facing major setbacks. I was stressed and couldn’t really enjoy the beautiful act of creating our future home.

It was at this time when Sabrina and I decided to take a day off. We were sitting at a lake when she put a tiny sand corn in here hand and said: “It is this size.” I asked “What’s this size?”. She replied: “Our baby”.

In this moment the only thing I felt was primal trust. I trusted that everything would be fine.

Quite soon this feeling faded away and I was filled with sadness. With fears. The following weeks were the worst in my life. I was depressed. I didn’t talk to anybody about it. I cried a lot. I was drowning in sadness. I was paralysed. I was in a point in my life where I didn’t want to have kids. Like ever. And I saw our new life at risk. My big dream was shattered.

I always thought I had an opinion on abortion. I thought it’s a good thing – I still do depending on the circumstances. But when I was in the situation where I felt this could be an option I realised I had no idea about it at all. I felt that this was not an easy decision. And I wondered how painful the thought of it must be for Sabrina. After all she felt live growing in her body.

It was still an option for me when I noticed that for Sabrina it’s not. We talked about it openly. That was important. To share our feelings. But I didn’t talk to anybody else. I thought I had to figure this out on my own. Like very often before.

The thing is when you speak to others you get a different perspective on things. And it took me a while to do so. I arranged a proper bro date with beers and burger and everything.

We had a beer. And another one. And another one. I was waiting for the right time. It was a Sunday and it got dark already. So I just put it on the table. I was scared.

The reaction of my bro was priceless. Very emotional. He was all smiles. He was so happy to hear that Sabrina was pregnant. It was like he found out he was having a baby. Wow.

Instantly I was filled with joy. With trust. With love. I thought if he was happy about it, I could be happy too. And that’s what I did. I started being happy.

We shared a few more beers. And I went home to Sabrina. I told her that I wanted the baby. She was super happy. To see me happy again.

Now I am just days from the birth of this awesome human to be. And I still shit my pants. Like A lot. But I am happy.

I never saw myself as a mom, having my own family. And being pregnant has always been kind of a horror scenario to me, since it is a situation one cannot control or “stop“ whenever you don’t feel like it. Scary considering I always liked to be the one in control.

Now that we got pregnant, I am so absolutely thankful for this powerful and transformative experience. I am forced to face issues, fears, people, situations I would have otherwise pushed aside. I am learning everyday anew what it means to accept, to let go, and how liberating this can be.

Pregnancy is transformative, obviously physically, but also in so many ways mentally – I can see myself growing, beautifully transforming and becoming stronger and clearer in my path. I try to live every single day of pregnancy consciously, soaking every part of it in. The pleasant and the unpleasant parts of it.

It’s such a powerful process and I have never felt so much faith, love, acceptance, but also vulnerabilty and sensibility in my life before. I am widely open. Ready to transform. Ready to open a new chapter. Embracing life.

I usually hate christmas. The consumer society. People acting. Family gatherings. Everything about it.

This year I almost skipped visiting my family. But I knew I would make a few people happy just by showing up. And there would be a lot of drinking. How bad can it be?

It was good. No stress. No presents. It was super relaxed. And to my surprise I really enjoyed it. For the first time in years.

I was never much of a family person. I think they are awesome, don’t get me wrong, I just felt like a “black sheep”.

This is about to change I feel. I guess since I will be a dad in a few weeks myself – this is still very unreal to me haha – and the fact I am starting my own little family, it plays an increasing role in my life.